How to survive Christmas - Post Intoxication Therapy

Overindulgence is a staple part of the festive season, and one which we all revel in at the time, and shudder at when we next meet the scales in the New Year. Last year my mother and I took our indulgence to levels which Bridget Jones would have been proud of. Dousing ourselves in off-brand wines and answering the door to the Dominoes delivery man, in our cow print onesies, was a repeat offence of ours. However this year we have promised ourselves a Christmas with class, no heartbreak, a new home and no drinking until the clock reaches the p.m.  So, you wonder, “how does this affect me? I started reading this post for advice, not mere nostalgia”, and I would not wish to disappoint. I suffered the wrath of the ‘next day’ on repeated occasions last Christmas, (never again shall I attempt to keep up with my mum), and so I felt it was my duty to provide a list which may save you from a similar fate. Although I agree that it is far too early to call this the ‘festive season’ quite yet, it is always best to have a few practise runs before the big day.

1)      2 Pints of Water – Never underestimate the power of fluid. When you stumble back through the door and all is on your mind is the left-over Chinese food you saved yourself in the fridge, and the comfort of your bed, march yourself into the kitchen and drink a pint of water. Then pour another and take that one to bed with you. I admit, it will have you peeing like Sea biscuit all night, but it will also prevent you waking up and feeling like you spent your evening licking sand.

2)      Ignore ‘The Munchies’ – That Chinese food I mentioned earlier, leave it. It will only bring you harm. Eating when drunk is not only messy (most of it ending up on the side of your face as you fail to find your mouth), but it will also leave you feeling like a balloon for the entire next day.

3)      Towel by the Bed – “For those unavoidable moments”. These words of wisdom stem directly from my mother. Although many of you may be a fan of the spare Tupperware bowel lurking in the back of your cupboard, the washing up the following day will only induce further sickness. Whereas an old towel can just be bagged up and thrown away, erasing all evidence of your failure to reach the bathroom.

4)      Get Out of Bed – The temptation to spend the following day rotting in bed is overwhelming, but please, for the sake of whoever you live with, get out of bed and have a shower! Cleanliness is good for everyone, simple.

5)      Toasted BLT – Now before you get your knickers in a twist about how grim the concept of toasting lettuce is, just put the lettuce in afterwards. The main thing here is the mayo, without it, the sandwich will not save you. This creation has been my saviour on countless occasions, and all accreditation to its ‘hangover power’ goes to my former boss.

6)       Fresh Orange Juice – This replenishes the Vitamin C in your body, it’s also hydrating and the fact it tastes of something adds a bit excitement which water sorely lacks.

Now I grant you these remedies are nothing ground breaking and although I am sure you will be aware of most of these already, it is always nice to have a frame of reference on those dark days. I also admit that these tips are not particularly festive as the consequences of Sherry are the same no matter what time of year is. But if you are following these tips whilst wearing a tacky knitted jumper with a Reindeers face embroidered onto it, they will suddenly appear holiday appropriate (this tip also works when wearing bunny ears at Easter and an oversized number badge on your birthday).
So sit back, relax and pour one more glass, for tomorrow is another day.
(Of course the best method is to consume alcohol in moderation, and I in no way promote excessive drinking… now where’s that bottle opener?)